Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize