I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
