i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize