Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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