Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
