Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize