I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
