By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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