I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
