U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize