Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
