and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
