i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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