I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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