Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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