Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
