Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
