Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
