woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
