I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You can't just leave with hair like that
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
