Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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