im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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