onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
