the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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