So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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