I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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