you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
