I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I can't turn off my feet"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
