I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
