Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize