Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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