it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
