I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
