Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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