Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
