i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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