Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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