Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
