I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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