I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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