Umm I'm too high to move.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
