Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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