Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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