I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize