You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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