I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I am naked and annoyed.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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