I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
