thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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