There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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