My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
