i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
