i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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