she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
