I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
