My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
