his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize