it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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