hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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