On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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