just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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