If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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