Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
