so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We just shotgunned beers for America
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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