Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
