hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
