oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
