She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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